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[Sunday
July 26th, 09 at 6:11pm] |
So much has happened this summer that I have no idea where to start. I think I last posted about how all of the girls began partying, and oh man did we party. We began by hooking up with pretty much everyone of this group of guys we began hanging out with, and this kid Martin, who looks like he's twelve showed intense interest in me. Long story short he deals a lot, I thought he was quite naive and really wanted nothing to do with him.
And yet I dated him for nearly three months. He was only the second guy I'd slept with, supposedly I was his first. We partied pretty much every night, so much so that people have actually told me I should get help for my alcoholism haha. The girls drifted apart and we hung out with the same group of guys continuously and just went crazy this summer.
Then I thought I was pregnant and flipped out and had to buy the Plan B pill. Now I'm hearing rumors that Martin had slept with his best friend Sophia who has herpes. I'm going to get tested tomorrow. He's such a fucking asshole. Just when I went straight to the source and told him, I just want to know if this is true, they completely attacked me which isn't fair at all. Martin and I have been over ever since I got back from California and I just acted like I didn't care cause I definitely can do better. We weren't even really dating, it was more like we simply used each other. And I feel at peace knowing he'll never do as good. Everyone asked me why I was with him that he didn't deserve it and I defended him. I can't anymore. I found out about the std last Thursday night, and I'm hopefully gonna get tested tomorrow. He texted me today but I want nothing to do with him. I've been seeing this guy Derek (who I ironically met at a party I was at with Martin and made out with in front of him haha) and it's very new and now I'm afraid he completely fucked it up. I'm very scared. The first guy I ever slept with was a one night stand and I've heard he's been with a couple girls so that sucks. And Liz, who is equivalent to the group slut made out with Derek to get back at me for whatever while I was upstairs crying, thinking I have herpes. And yet we all ignore it.
Everything has completely changed. All I do is party now and hook up and that's about it. Michelle's leaving to Notre Dame and that terrifies us because we're attached at the hip. I pretty much live with her now because my mother and I constantly fight and she's in a huge lawsuit with my dad. She just wants his money that he doesn't have, while my dad's trying to deal with my brother who I found out this summer has leukemia. Everything's crazy. It's been the best and worst summer of my life. I think I just let things get too out of control.
And yet it's all I know now. It's weird to think we ever did anything but that.
I'm just terrified of what's going to happen. All I can say is that Michelle is the best person I've ever met, and I love her to death. Together til the end for sure.
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[Saturday
February 7th, 09 at 10:15pm] |
Sometimes I can't believe this thing still exists haha but it's comforting to know it's there.
Ah let's see. I am so unbelievably ready to move to Boulder. It's just...kfjaklfadkl i can't take school, work and the people here anymore.
I'm more focused on getting scholarships lately because my dad said that if I get pretty much all of my tuition to CU covered...i get a brand new car. Mustangggg!!
Chris is a drama queen and apparently six months of being a bitch is code for i like you. Go figure.
Dylan is a weirdo who likes to taunt Michelle and I by jumping the fence and knocking on her back window in a wolf mask. He's best friends with her neighbor Tyler, but really man, come on. That's not how you get me to like you back haha.
Work is boring and I get like no hours.
I am going to get my hair colored next week...not sure what to do with it.
I am extremely tired so this will be a very exciting post haha.
Uhhh...I am a work out fiend. It's all I do anymore.
I want to lose fifteen pounds, but really don't need to. I would feel better if I did. I think.
Got into all the colleges I applied for.
Anddd. Yeah. Not very exciting. Anthony treats me like a queen but has moved on to Heather ever since I told him nothing would happen between us. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too, but what's the point of cake if you can't have it? Oh mannn haha he's really not for me but it was a good transition out of the Shawn phase. And he's my drug hook up for now, since all my previous ones were ex boyfriends. I see a bad trend there.
By the way, Shawn and Meredith lasted about a week, he moved on to have some random girlfriend for a day, and now is "single and lovin it". Hahaha please inform me when I get hung up over a nobody. Now it's really clear to me how much I didn't like him in the first place. But I will still be there for him as a friend if he absolutely has to call me haha.
The people of Grandview are incredibly fake, even some of the ones I hang out with. That probably makes me a hypocrite.
I just want out. It's time. I'm ready.
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[Saturday
September 27th, 08 at 9:03pm] |
My sister visiting wasn't terrible. We surprisingly got along well.
Tonight is Homecoming, and I'm not going. I'm surprised my friends ditched me last minute to go. I have no desire to do alllllllll of that all over again. I was supposed to go get wasted with anthony for the big one eight, but his mom kept him in. I could hang out with this kid rob I met last night, but it's just kinda weird cause he was wasted and just wanted to hook up with me. I would rather just get shit faced by myself. I haven't yet, cause I think I would just feel completely pathetic afterwards.
Shawn is such a douche bag. I tell him Meredith likes him but she won't date him because she thinks we're too close. He tells me he just wants to be single, and has no desire to date her because she has too many problems. Oh and then he adds on that he would never ditch me like that again cause I mean too much to him and I'm his best friend. Then it's necessary for him to tack on "if I went to Grandview I would take you to Homecoming."
The next day he's mean and distance. I see on myspace his status changed to "in a relationship" and meredith is number one on his friends while I moved down.
I haven't talked to him since except to be a bitch and demand that I will not roll with him so I either want my half or all. He gave me all and was really anxious about it. It was awkward, and even more so when his girlfriend showed up right when I left. Nice. Fucking asshole.
Anyways, I am turning more and more to drugs and alcohol. I have my moments man that's for sure. I'm sure six months from now I'll be clean and wondering why I'm doing this.
But for now, it helps.
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[Thursday
July 12th, 07 at 2:09pm] |
Mom and I had a real...serious talk last night. Ha.
It was all about the fucking eating disorder. I told her that I desperately want to lose weight (she knows this), I'm so afraid of going back to how unhappy I was almost a year ago. I know I'm anything but fat. That's a given. But it's all mental for me, and I just need to lose weight to keep me calm. Mom hates that I think I need to lose weight when I'm skinny, but she thinks I'm depressed at the weight I'm at so losing a few pounds might be good and possibly fix that. Haha. Okay. Well, she's way off, but whatever. She thinks that because I have a lot of friends (well, I am known as a serial friend-maker...then leave and find more), that I won't go back to the edge of the point of no return. We also talked about her reactions when I first told her. She didn't remember anything, and I had to tell her all of it. We talked about how she never noticed me not eating. We talked aobut how her eating habits made me fucked. And then we talked about our fight last weekend, which was disasterous. She told me when she hung up on me (yeah. really.) she bawled. And I was like "oh." even though I cried for a minute too. I told her she wasn't actually listening to what I was saying, and that those were my opinions, not Dad's like she thought. Whatever. So we fought about Dad and the business and all that, and I was like "You guys put me in the very middle of you two. That's not fair for me! You're making me choose sides!" And you know, we started crying again after many tears from talking about the ED. And then she asked about Kate, and she was like "no, i mean how is she with her eating?" And I was like wtf none of your business but just kind of ignored her. Then she said "Well, I'm thinking about taking the scale away from you and considering therapy." WHAT. No. Hell no. I told her "Go ahead. I'll just buy another and hide it from you. And you cannot make me talk about it at all. I freaking hate that you know, and I hate talking about it to you, so why would I bother with some fucked therapist in it for money?" Minus the swear. Hahah. Idk how it ended, I just. UGH. I hate that she knows about my ED!
That's really about it. I don't want to talk about the big fight last weekend.
I'm going tanning today, and thennn. PACKING. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Moira ans some of her friends, and finally Saturday I leave until next saturday.
So. See you in a week and a few days! <3
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[Saturday
January 27th, 07 at 10:38pm] |
I can't believe Sarah.
I can't believe I told her my secrets that day.
I vow, to never, ever tell anyone outside of my parents about my ED, ever again. Ever.
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[Monday
January 1st, 07 at 4:37pm] |
I feel like the biggest idiot.
I suck at relationships. I suck at commitment.
Way to start off the new year.
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[Saturday
December 16th, 06 at 6:47pm] |
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I freaked out and started bawling in my room today because I had a bite of a muffin.
I curled up in a ball, and cried. Then I proceeded to my bathroom and stared at myself and continued to cry, and then thought of purging (I didn't).
This is what I've become.
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[Tuesday
November 21st, 06 at 8:10pm] |
I don't know whether to be cynically amused, or feel hateful.
My mother just told me I need to "learn self control and willpower when it comes to food".
Fuck you. Shows what you know.
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